The Last Name

One of the greatest gifts parents can give their kids is to give them a simple, short, readable, and easily-pronounceable First name and Last name. Keeping a name as long as the Yellow Stripped Anaconda in the Amazon jungles - will only help in crashing some computer somewhere someday. So, unless it is your mission to crash computers, PLEASE give a short name, preferably less than 15 characters. 

And no, it is NOT okay to concatenate the favorite names suggested by all the 28 Uncles and Aunties who come to visit the baby in the hospital. 

And, your kid's name is definitely not the place to showcase your vast family tree structure, that includes the great Grandfather who once killed a tiger with one hand and sat on its head for 2 hours till it died.

Just spare the little kid. Give him/her a short name. 

And please don't embark on the noble mission of finding a unique name, never ever heard in the history of mankind. And believe me, there are better ways for your child to become famous than by this unique identifier.

One out of every 5 Tamilian has a problem with his Last Name - either in passport or US Visa or ration card or whatever. Tamilians, in particular, have still not figured out what exactly is a Last Name. A vast majority (like me) have their father's full name (oh yes, the whole full name of father) printed as Last Name. So, when people ask me my Last Name, I have to start reading an essay, instead of saying one word. And if this happens in the US, the other guy looks at you as if you are one crazy nut, and asks again, "Sorry, what was that?" - and you go gasping for breath again.

Show me a Tamilian who can prove that his Last Name matches in all records, and I will agree to make Manmohan Singh speak (difficult challenge... but still.. hmmm). Even if the Last Name matches, just ask, "Is this your Last Name?" - and boom - here he goes scratching his head, "Ahh... no... actually... my grandpa's last name was my father's middle name and my..."! (It is in your best interest not to hear the rest).

Now, don't get me started on "Middle Name". Enough.

[P.S: For those of you who already Googled for Yellow Stripped Anaconda, ok... you are right, there is none]

The Art of Appraisal

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All events and characters are fictional. It does not represent anyone living or dead. It does not represent any company or corporation or any other entity. It is written with a sense of humour, and is not intended to criticize or insult or defame anyone or any entity.

Appraisals are a time when all emotions are on the loose and a frenzy atomosphere builds up in cubicles. There is excitement, happiness, sadness, disappointment, envy, hatred, revenge - and everything that can make up a typical Bollywood movie. The whole process goes to show how subjective human perspectives are, and how difficult it is to bring objectivity into the whole thing. Maybe a day will come when appraisals are fully automated with no human intervention - and *bang* - the computer pops your appraisal score exactly at midnight on Dec 31st (and probably spoils your mood on New Year's eve).

The style and narration of the below post is largely inspired by the style used by Scott Adams in "Dilbert". He is one of the best in "business satire". He has written some wonderful humorous books like "The Joy of Work", "The Dilbert Principle", etc. Please read them if you get a chance. They are a good way to relax your mind and laugh at the irony of things.

("Big Boss" and "Kumar" are imaginary characters in an imaginary organization in an imaginary world. If you think they resemble anyone living or dead, it is purely coincidental)

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing. 

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

The Rear View Mirror

When I am driving, my greatest fear has always been about the car that is coming behind me and the honorable soul sitting in its driver-seat. I fear that they might bump on my car (Maybe out of too much affection!). So, whenever I hit the brakes in a traffic signal, I keep seeing the rear-view mirror holding my breath - seeing if they are gonna bump on me or come to a screeeeching halt. 

Observing people through the rear-view mirror has helped me write a thesis on "Psychology of the Driver Following Your Car", which I might publish very soon and get a honorary doctor's degree from some internationally renowned university like "Kallikuppam Periya Siriya Chettiar Mudaliar Nadar Devar University (near Kallikuppam bus stand, opposite to water tank)".

Given below are some excerpts from my thesis, just for the benefit of the millions of readers who read my blog everyday (*cough*cough*).

The Cell Phoners

When seen through the rear-view mirror, this is the most frequent category of peope you can see. They are the people who might live for a month without water, but will die if separated from their cell phones for a minute. If ever they get admitted in hospitals, doctors hang their cell phones next to the bottle of blood - to keep their hearts from stopping. (Now, you got an idea about these people). They are the most dangerous of all drivers.

While talking on cell phone, some even scratch the back of their heads with their other hand. I've no idea which one of their hands controls the steering wheel. Some would be laughing out loud looking up at the sky - without any clue about my car going in the front.

By default, most women fall under this category. With a twisted head they hold the cell phone against their shoulders, and speak with lots of gestures, and it always appears to be some emotional topic they're discussing. Why do people use gestures while talking on cell? And why do women always have to discuss emotional matters while driving! *phew*

Let's agree on a well known universal fact. There are only 2 types of drivers, "Good Drivers" and "Women Drivers". Women and driving are mutally exclusive. You might argue that many women drive today. Well, just because Vijaykanth dances in many films, it doesn't make him a dancer! It is just one of those things we've learnt to tolerate over a period of time. Same thing with women drivers. Be on high alert if you see one. (Update on Apr 15, 2015: over the years, several women have crashed their cars on mine - protesting the above statement. Since my survival is at stake, above statement has been struck out!) :)

Jean Twisters

Then, there are these male drivers - who search something in their jean's pocket every time they drive (Note: it is always a tight jean). They do this almost standing up from the driver's seat - and some talk on mobile also simultaneously while doing this twist dance. They twist their body in all directions to take that thing out of the pocket (and it usually never comes out that easily). If you see such "Jean Twisters", it is better to shift lanes asap.

The Caravan

In this category, the car will be filled with children. They are everywhere. Three on the back-seat, two on the floor, one popping its head from behind, and few others not visible but present somewhere. And the car is usually driven by a brave Mom. 

She would be watching the whole gang through the mirror and shouting out commands, "Hey, sit down!", "Put your feet down", "Where is your brother? Why is he not in his seat?", "Don't spill the soda!", "You spilled already? Ok, don't spill the next one!", and so on. 

Some Moms are too brave that they turn their heads around to look at the kids, and still keep driving. Well, you can't blame them. They have to answer questions from all little ones. "Mom, where is my candy?", "Mom, can you tie my shoe?", "Mom, my bubble gum got stuck between the seats!", "Mom, why are you driving too slow?", "Mom, Joey is missing, I think we left him behind", and so on.

The Make-Up Vehicle

This car has all the necessary ingredients for make-up: lipsticks, hair combs of all sizes, face coloring powder, face blackening powder, eye-brow trimmer, and a million other things. The "pretty" lady driver in this car uses her rear-view mirror as a dressing-table mirror. So, the mirror is usually turned around 90 degrees to face her at an angle suitable for make-up. Please note that, the whole functionality of rear-view mirror is modified in this car (Toyota! Please note this! This could be the root cause!). 

At every stop light, she nevers forgets to do a quick make-up. At other times while driving, she would keep bending sideways - this side and that side - looking at the mirror to ensure that her make-up stays fine.

If you are followed by this vehicle, you can start calling your auto-insurance helpline immediately. By the time, you go through all the menu options and reach the Customer Care Representative, you can hear your rear bumper falling down.

The Jurassic Park Chase

These cars were probably made when our grandmothers were in LKG. They are pretty long like a boat, and they make all kinds of creepy sounds while they go - and occasionally few spare parts drop from underneath. When these cars follow me, I get reminded of the dinosaur chase in Jurassic Park - when the Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaur chases those guys behind their car and they see its face in the rear-view mirror. That's exactly how this is! Never apply sudden brakes when these cars follow you. They might actually climb over you and keep going as if nothing happened.

Believe me, if these cars bump on you, it is going to make absolutely no difference to them. So, always stay 2 or 3 lanes away from them.

The Hitler Faced Couple

This car will have a couple, and one of them would be driving. I don't know why - but their faces would have that Hitler look (a mixture of anger, fear and constipation)- as if they're going to stab each other any moment. Maybe they are going to get divorced the following week, or maybe they are on their way to sign divorce papers, or maybe it is simply because they're driving a Toyota car, who knows! They neither speak nor see each other. It would look as if they are frozen in time (like those Egyptian Mummies).

But, good news is, they are the safest category. They hardly ever bump on you  (because they have enough problems in life already).

Since my thesis is still in progress, I would like to stop here for now. For the safety of all car drivers, I will try to publish it very soon.

What Really Happened on Christmas? And Why?

In recent days, Christmas has become more of a commercial event - with Santa Claus, snow flakes, reindeers, Jingle Bells, fruit cakes, candy canes, etc - that the true history behind this greatest event ever known to man - has been forgotten amidst all the celebrations and shopping. If one were to walk back in history and witness this event in that manger in Bethlehem on that cold silent night - no celebration could equal the majesty of that moment. My narration below is merely a small attempt to explain this event as written in the Bible.

Joseph and Mary

About 2009 years ago, in the province of Galilee in Israel the land of Jews, a young virgin girl named Mary was betrothed to a man named Joseph who was a carpentar. Nothing much is said in the Bible about the family background of Mary. From the events recorded, it appears she was a simple, humble, poor, God-fearing young lady.

Betrothal in Jewish customs was much different than its version today. It was more equivalent to an actual marriage. Once betrothed, the groom and bride were considered as husband and wife in all legal and religious aspects, except that they lived separately in their respective homes without any physical union, until the day of "Home Taking" when the groom came and took his bride.

The Birth Announced

At this time, when Mary was betrothed to Joseph and the "Home Taking" was yet to take place, GOD sent an angel Gabriel to Mary - explaining her the divine plan of GOD, and how she had found favor in the eyes of GOD to be part of this grand plan. One can't imagine how shocking it would have been for Mary. An event that would change mankind forever - an event that would divide history into two -  is going to happen, and GOD included her in HIS plan! Maybe she cried in happiness. Maybe she feared and just lost words. Maybe she just trembled and fell.

Like all other jews, Mary knew that this was the event that prophets had proclaimed all along for hundreds of years - the birth of the Messiah (meaning The Anointed One, The Saviour). This was the event that GOD promised in the garden of Eden - when Adam and Eve were deceived by Satan to disobey GOD and sin against HIM.

"Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son..."

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace" 

 - Prophet Isaiah, 8th century BC.

Mary was told that although she was a virgin, she would conceive and bring forth a Son through the power of GOD, and He should be named JESUS. In the days that followed, Mary conceived miraculously as told by GOD. When Joseph came to know of Mary's pregnancy, he was troubled for he did not know that it was GOD's miracle. But the angel of GOD appeared to Joseph in his dream, asking him not to fear taking Mary as his wife - and that her pregnancy was due to GOD's miracle and the baby in her womb was GOD in human form - the Saviour of the World - the much awaited Messiah - Jesus the Christ.

The Birth in a stable

GOD took the form of flesh on that cold silent night in a stable in Bethlehem. The inn where Mary delivered did not have enough room to accomodate the new born child, and they were left to use the manger as a crib for the child. Manger is a carved stone or wooden construction used to hold food for animals in a stable. Angels announced His birth to the shepherds in the fields. Wise men from far off lands in the East were led by a star to Bethlehem. With such a humble birth, GOD proclaimed HIS love for the poor and meek. HE chose to be born in that dirty stable among the unpleasant odor, rather than a silky bed in a palace with aromatic candles all around.

It is but natural to see such a humble birth and ask, "Why did GOD take human form? What was the need?"

Creation and Sin

In the beginning, when GOD created man and woman, HE created them perfect and holy - in the image of GOD - just like HIM. They had no knowledge about sin. There was no death in that garden. All animals were herbivores - from lion to lamb - and they lived in peace without killing one another. GOD gave man dominion over all living creatures.  But the first man and woman (Adam and Eve) disobeyed GOD by eating the forbidden fruit of knowledge, and thereby brought sin into the world.

After the fall of man, GOD who is Holy, could not take man to live with HIM - since man had lost the glory of GOD and become a sinful creature having the knowledge of good and bad. Man was no longer perfect. GOD did not want the sinful man to live forever, and hence HE appointed death to take away the life of man. A Holy and Righteous GOD could not reconcile with a sinful man. The sinful nature in humans that we see today - originated from Adam - and it corrupted everyone after him. The Bible states that, all human beings are sinful, and they have fallen short of the glory of GOD.

God's Master Plan

Yet, GOD still loved man and wanted to redeem him, so that man can live with HIM forever - just as GOD had planned originally. But, it wasn't an easy task to redeem a sinful man. To redeem the sinful human race, someone had to bear the punishment for sin - and pay its price.

In the early days, GOD gave laws for man to follow - through HIS prophets (like the Ten Commandments). And man had to make animal sacrifices whenever he broke those laws - as a price for his sins. But animal sacrifices could not change the sinful nature of man. Man kept sinning even after making such sacrifices. The Old Testament of the Bible speaks in detail about this period in history - when man struggled to reconcile with GOD by following HIS laws and regulations.

But throughout the Old Testament period, GOD kept revealing HIS forthcoming master plan through HIS prophets - that a day will come when animal sacrifices would no longer be required - but GOD HIMSELF would come as a man in human flesh - and give HIMSELF as a living sacrifice and die for man's sins - and redeem him - and make way for him to reconcile with GOD and live an eternal life.

That day was Christmas.

Life of Jesus Christ

GOD in human form - the Messiah Jesus Christ - was thus born on earth - with the sole purpose of dying for our sins. His brief life of 33 years was incomparable. The Bible states that no man has ever lived like Him - before and after Him. History witnessed the Son of God (GOD in human form is referred as Son of God in the Bible) - walking the streets of Jerusalem - and performing miracles and wonders the world had never ever seen. No wonder, He divided history into two - BC and AD.

He proved He was from GOD through His actions. He was sinless. He performed miracles to show the Jews that He was the Messiah. He cured the sick just by words, opened the eyes of the blind, healed lepers, raised the dead back to life, and calmed the stormy sea by a command. His actions and the power He displayed - drew crowds behind Him. He had dominion over everything on earth: nature obeyed Him, the dead rose alive on His command, evil spirits feared His word - and He defied every scientific law of nature. A detailed account of His life is recorded in the first 4 books of the New Testament (the Gospels).

His Sacrifice and Resurrection

Yet, when His time had come, just as the prophets had said, He stood silent like a lamb - and gave Himself to be crucified in the cross - to fulfill the very purpose of His mission. He died to pay the price for our sins. This day is observed as Good Friday.

The whole of New Testament in the Bible revolves around this one focal point: His sinless blood was shed so that anyone who believed in HIM by faith and confessed that Jesus Christ is GOD - would get forgiveness and redemption from sins - and would enjoy an eternal life in heaven after death.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" - John 3:16

On the 3rd day after His death, He rose alive from death - proving He was indeed the Son of GOD (celebrated as Easter - the 3rd day after Good Friday) - and was seen by hundreds. His tomb in the land of Israel is still empty today. After resurrection, He rose to heaven through the clouds - witnessed by His disciples.

The Day of Judgement

The Bible ends with a prophecy about the future: the GOD of Justice and Righteousness would come again - not to redeem man - but this time it will be to judge.The Bible states many signals that indicate the approaching of this much-awaited and much-feared day. And many of those signals are already happening today.

Of course, GOD's judgement is to be feared. But, to make sure man gets a chance to escape that judgement, GOD showed HIS love for man - and that was on Christmas day.

The Happy Lady

Visiting a post office has always been an exciting experience for me - as exciting as sitting on a cactus with cotton pajamas on and at the same time being spotted by the next door bull dog that sees me and starts chasing for no good reason. (Cactus or Bull dog - which is more exciting is a matter worth researching)

Have you ever visited a town post office in India? 

It would usually be a large hall where everyone would be seated - from clerk to branch manager. Usually, the branch manager is the only soul who gets some privacy behind a cubicle. There would be large ceiling fans, and only half of them would be running, and they would create a nice orchestral music. The ones that are not running would have cobwebs and dust, implying that the last time they ran - it was Mrs. Indira Gandhi who was the PM.

There would be a separate counter in a corner to buy stamps - and for some unknown reason it would always resemble a cage, fully fenced all over, with a small semi-circular opening to transact with the clerk inside. I always wondered why this guy received so much security. Most times the counter would be empty. You can either try enquiring the nearby clerks the whereabouts of this guy or you can just bang your head in a wall nearby - both give the same result. Although sometimes, I have to caution you, it is a wise practise to stand on your heels and peep inside the counter really deep. The clerk might actually be sitting inside, almost invisible for outsiders. 

In another corner would be the sticky table - a table with gum all over it, kept for public use. You can see people rubbing their fingers here and there on the table trying to locate a wet spot, and in the process the entire table gets sticky. And believe me, you will always find a wet spot. I've never seen people complaining that there is no gum left. They somehow manage to "extract" gum. Of course, there are others who wholely rely on their tongue for adhesive matters.

My experience with postal clerks too has mostly been not-so-memorable. Whenever I had approached them, they either hated me for disrupting their tea time or lunch time or wrapping-up time. And when I went on other times, the post office was usually closed. So, it has always been a challenging process.

In US, I understood that post offices can be extremely different - I mean, extreme in the other direction. 

Clerks are too lovey-dovey here. They greet us as if we are entering a wedding reception. "Helloooo there ! How you dooooooing !". The first time I heard this - I thought it was some kind of joke - until I heard the same greeting in the nearby counter. It was like standing in the middle of fairy land. So good to be true. But then, I got used to this lovey-dovey-land, for I too learnt the art of greeting "How you dooooing !".

However, one extraordinary postal clerk stands out in my mind.

She is the "Happy Lady" (I just named her so), who works in the USPS branch (United States Postal Service) near our house. She must be in her forties. She is one of the rarest human beings I've seen in my lifetime.  Let me narrate one of the many incidents.

A guy comes to her counter to buy few 42 cent stamps. With a blackberry in his hand, a blue-tooth in his ear, a big bushy moustache, a shining "minor" chain around the neck given by his father-in-law , a glittering gold watch, an ID card stuck to his shirt - well, I couldn't be wrong, he had to be a desi. She gives him a big smile with the usual lovey-dovey greetings, takes out 3 different sheets of stamps, lays them out neatly before him, and says, "Wow, look what we got! Lovely stamps...huh? Which one shall we go with? The pretty one with the US flag, or this gorgeous one with Christmas bells, or this really funny Santa Claus with Reindeer?" She blinks with all excitement, eagerly waiting for his selection.

This poor guy who had never bothered to take a second look at stamps all through his life - all of a sudden starts wondering if he has been missing something in his life, and starts looking at stamps a bit seriously. He thinks to himself, scratching his head, "What the heck! Why do I care what picture is on them? They are all the same price!". (I told you I can't be wrong, he is a desi)

She is not ready to give up. She adds, "Aren't they all lovely! My favorite would be the Christmas bells. Wow, I love those shiny silver bells... and see.. they even reflect the light from the fire place".

The guy is even more puzzled. "That is a silver bell?", he is wondering. Obviously, he hasn't been paying attention to the metal of the bell. "And where the heck is the fire place? Reflection? What reflection?". His brain is still catching up.

People in the queue look with eyes wide open - listening to this rare piece of conversation - and eagerly wait for his decision. It is clear that they didn't come to the post office planned for this. Now, this puts this guy under pressure. He is almost sweating.

She suddenly gestures as if she remembered something, "Hey guess what, I have some more stamps back there with snow flake and dinosaur pictures. Do you want me to bring them as well?".

Now, this definitely shocks him. If he doesn't act now, he might end up listening to how pretty the dinosaurs are. ("Look how cute the Stegosaurus is smiling! Look at his lovely rugged scales and claws!")

His brain senses the forthcoming danger, gets into the "fight or flight" mode, pumps all the adrenaline it can, and quickly rushes for a decision. He blabbers, "Err... anything is fine... I think... Christmas Bells... yes... lovely... shiny...fire place... please give that". 

"That's great! You bought my favorite!", she shouts so happily and claps. Just when he thinks it is all over she comes back, "Now dear, how are we going to pay? You can give cash, or you can swipe your credit card....zzzzooom..in this slot, or you can just write me a nice little cheque or you can...". Well, he has already taken out cash, and hands over the exact change. As he walks to the door, I can see that he is still recovering from the shock.

Few minutes later, as I walk out of the door, I hear the Happy Lady saying to someone, "Wow, this cute package is going all the way to Wisconsin! That's a lovely place! I bet it is snowing out there, dear... isn't it? And I am sure Santa really needs a sleigh if he is visiting Wisconsin! Ha ha!". She laughs with real happiness (no faking), thoroughly enjoying her joke. Then she adds, "Would you like some stamps, dear?". 

I quickly reach for the door. Different parts of the world; just how different can they be!

The Democracy We Need

WHEN corrupt politicians and fanatics get re-elected to power election after election, we often wonder how our people could be so blind. When educated, patriotic youngsters contest and lose their deposit - we are even more puzzled. We see politicians shed crocodile tears and talk absolute non-sense in public - and yet the mob goes crazy behind them. When free bags of rice and free TV sets are announced, why is it that our people never wake up and understand that nothing comes free of cost? Instead of laughing at the stupidity of their leaders, why do party workers blindly do anything - even to the extent of self immolating?

The reason, of course, is multi-fold. Politicians are able to cheat majority of the public quite easily. It shows that most of our people aren't smart enough to take a good decision about our politicians. It can also mean that the good decision-makers (good voters) are out-numbered by the bad decision-makers (bad voters). Here, "good" and "bad" refer to the quality of their voting decision (not their character).

Some have suggested that to refine our democracy we need to put restrictions on the eligibility to contest elections. They suggest that we prohibit criminals from contesting, and pave way for clean educated people to contest. The problem with this approach is, we never know how "clean" a person would be after coming to power. Most scandals today are done by educated people. Most fanatics today are great orators. Criminal intent can creep inside even the best educated minds, and when it combines with intelligence it makes a ruthless deadly combination. So, while it is good to have such restrictions on contesting elections (and I support such a restriction), they do not solve the problem completely.

The best solution is to give the right of decision-making (voting) in the right hands. That is, we should have more of good voters and less of bad voters.

Today, one of the major drawbacks of democracy is that it provides equal voting rights to everyone - irrespective of their ability to take a sound decision. The problem is magnified in India since a vast majority are still illiterates. Being an illiterate, they have limited access to information, poor capability to understand various issues, and they lack the ability to think objectively weighing the pros and cons of various policies of political parties.

Decision making cannot rest with people who do not qualify as good decision makers. To make a good decision, not just in casting votes, but in any situation, a person needs the following. Those who have these qualify as good decision makers.

1. Inputs about the problem (What information do we have?)

2. Knowledge to understand, comprehend and appreciate the problem (What exactly are the problems facing us today?)

3. Knowledge to envision what is best for all the stakeholders involved in the long-run (What is our nation's goal?)

4. Skill to objectively weigh the pros and cons of available options and pick the most suited one (How best to reach our goal?)

Not everyone possesses these skills. We should enforce voting restrictions and allow only those people who have the high probability of possessing such skills.

The vote cast by an illiterate cannot be treated the same as the vote cast by an eminent person like Dr. Abdul Kalam or Mr. Narayana Murthy. The weightage of their votes is definitely not same. However, our current system treats them both same. By doing so, we fail to give due credit to the voice of the qualified decision-makers (good voters), and instead we mix them with the unqualified ones and merely take the majority - which by no means gives a good result.

We should attach weightage to each person's vote based on his eligibility. So, how does a person get his weightage? I've given few suggestions. This is of course not a definite list, but merely a suggested approach.

Votes of following people deserve a higher weightage:

1. Educated people. The higher the education, the higher is the weightage.

2. Tax payers, as they have a higher say in the Govt spending.

3. Army personnels, due to the patriotic nature of their work.

4. Civil service officials (IAS, IPS, etc).

5. National award winners in fields of science, technology, arts, economics, law, defence, sports, etc.

6. Judges of Courts.

Following people should be given lesser or minimum weightage:

1. Uneducated or not sufficiently educated (eg. Secondary education should be a minimum requirement to qualify for voting)

2. Non Tax Payers

3. People with past criminal history (with each crime the weightage should be reduced, and it should only be restored subject to conditions)

Both the above lists aren't exhaustive; they can be expanded further. I've just tried to explain the rational behind this approach. With the "Unique Identification" system underway in India (by Mr. Nandan Nilekani) - it would be possible to track these criteria in a central database.

So, what difference would this make?

As per World Bank Survey in 2007, less than 40% of people in India enroll for Secondary education. Even if we assume the trend to be rising, it would be about 40% today. So, if we enforce that secondary education is mandatory for voting, then only 40% of the population would vote. And among this 40%, there would be weightage differences based on their further eligibility. Do the math, and you would understand that it makes a big difference. The probability of making a right decision increases enormously. There might be smart people among illiterates who might miss the chance to vote, but these are exceptional cases and hence cannot be considered when making regulations.

Bottomline: If you want to choose your ruler, go to school first.

This could be a motivation to complete atleast secondary education. This system places emphasis on education and honours those who've sweated their way to the top. Political parties would shut down their circus shows and start thinking for a change. They know that their audience is far smarter than before now. They can't be easily cheated - just by writing poems or giving free stuff or making rhetoric speeches. Politicians would be forced to show results. As more and more people get educated and become 'good voters', it would be even harder for rulers to fool around.

Einstein was right when he said, "You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created". Do share your views on this topic.

Career Advice to Mr. Gary Kirsten

JUST when news channels were worried over the shortage of sensational news, Gary Kirsten comes to their rescue. When I was a cricket fan in the late 1980s (yeah, I lost interest later), the ban on South Africa was lifted and they started playing international cricket. That's when we (me and my cousins, who were all kids and crazy cricket fans) came to know of Kirsten. None of us were his fans because he was bald. We hated him because he was a pretty good opener and that brought trouble to India.

Today, I am surprised to see Kirsten take on a new avatar. The media says he has a "Sex Mantra" for the Indian cricket team. "What? Kirsten? That old man ?", I wonder. I've only heard Late Dr. Mathrubootham talk of these stuff. So, what does this guy Kirsten actually say? In short, he says, good sex gives good cricket. No jokes here. This guy is serious.

"Are you sure it is Kirsten? Is it not someone else... like... err... Kushwant Singh.. or Shobha De... or... maybe Bill Clinton?"

"No, no! It is Kirsten ! How the heck would these others know about cricket!"

"Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot we're talking of cricket also".

English and Australian players say they envy the Indian team for getting such a nice coach. As expected, the media is very happy, now they have something to talk 24X7. There are forums discussing if it is good to have sex before or after or during a match. Sexologists are in sudden demand. They are invited to various group discussions to explain the science behind all this. They are happy that their profession is somehow getting linked with cricket, and that gives them bright hopes for a great future. I am sure everyone, other than the cricketers, is watching these discussions. Who knows what the cricketers are doing (hmm...) !

Now, hold on - Kirsten refuted all these claims the next day. He says he never said any of these stuff. Poor guy, no one even bothered to listen now. The media reported it, but well, it was quickly overshadowed by the "Sex and Cricket" discussions which were already in full swing. There were more and more panel discussions, forum debates, sexologist interviews, and no one even heard Kirsten refuting these allegations. The damage was already done. Nobody wanted the hot discussions to end just 'coz Kirsten never told it in the first place. It was a good topic that could go on for another couple of months, so why would anyone even think of ending it. It was "gala" time for all Talk-time hosts.

Kirsten would have been scratching his already-bald-head wondering "Is this all a bad dream?".

There are a few things he can do to capitalize this situation. Now, this is what you should do, Mr. Kirsten:

First of all, stop refuting these. No one is gonna believe you, 'coz no one bothers if it is true. Just go with the flow and enjoy the hungama. The media loves you now. You are more popular now than ever in your life.

Tell that you read about this sex mantra somewhere in Kamasutra. That's it. You have quoted from a book of ancient India, and no one will dare to question you. Kamasutra book sales will double or triple, and publishers would just love you. Now, don't worry if anyone would cross verify your claim. Once they start reading the book, they will forget about what you said. There is enough stuff in that book to keep them occupied for another 2 years.

Next, you can write a book yourself. Didn't you know that writing a book was the fastest way to become a celebrity in India! Look what happened to Jaswant Singh. No one bothered calling him for interviews before. Now, he is the busiest person on town. But, make sure you write something about stuff like culture, pre-marital sex, or morality - even if these are not linked to cricket. Be assured that one of these would explode into a nation-wide discussion, and you can ride the tide happily.

Next, you can start a Talk Show. What? Are you thinking of what to talk? That's the last thing you should worry about. Just talk something that appears to be complex. You can invent something called "Cricket Therapy" for sex problems, or "Sex Therapy" for cricket problems. Whatever. Who cares! Just keep talking. At any cost, don't allow others to talk, then they will ask questions and you will be in trouble. Invite them, but you keep talking.

Meanwhile, during this time, if India wins matches, tell that your mantra works. If they lose, tell that the players didn't follow it "effectively". In any case, you win. All the best, Mr. Kirsten.