Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Career Advice to Mr. Gary Kirsten

JUST when news channels were worried over the shortage of sensational news, Gary Kirsten comes to their rescue. When I was a cricket fan in the late 1980s (yeah, I lost interest later), the ban on South Africa was lifted and they started playing international cricket. That's when we (me and my cousins, who were all kids and crazy cricket fans) came to know of Kirsten. None of us were his fans because he was bald. We hated him because he was a pretty good opener and that brought trouble to India.

Today, I am surprised to see Kirsten take on a new avatar. The media says he has a "Sex Mantra" for the Indian cricket team. "What? Kirsten? That old man ?", I wonder. I've only heard Late Dr. Mathrubootham talk of these stuff. So, what does this guy Kirsten actually say? In short, he says, good sex gives good cricket. No jokes here. This guy is serious.

"Are you sure it is Kirsten? Is it not someone else... like... err... Kushwant Singh.. or Shobha De... or... maybe Bill Clinton?"

"No, no! It is Kirsten ! How the heck would these others know about cricket!"

"Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot we're talking of cricket also".

English and Australian players say they envy the Indian team for getting such a nice coach. As expected, the media is very happy, now they have something to talk 24X7. There are forums discussing if it is good to have sex before or after or during a match. Sexologists are in sudden demand. They are invited to various group discussions to explain the science behind all this. They are happy that their profession is somehow getting linked with cricket, and that gives them bright hopes for a great future. I am sure everyone, other than the cricketers, is watching these discussions. Who knows what the cricketers are doing (hmm...) !

Now, hold on - Kirsten refuted all these claims the next day. He says he never said any of these stuff. Poor guy, no one even bothered to listen now. The media reported it, but well, it was quickly overshadowed by the "Sex and Cricket" discussions which were already in full swing. There were more and more panel discussions, forum debates, sexologist interviews, and no one even heard Kirsten refuting these allegations. The damage was already done. Nobody wanted the hot discussions to end just 'coz Kirsten never told it in the first place. It was a good topic that could go on for another couple of months, so why would anyone even think of ending it. It was "gala" time for all Talk-time hosts.

Kirsten would have been scratching his already-bald-head wondering "Is this all a bad dream?".

There are a few things he can do to capitalize this situation. Now, this is what you should do, Mr. Kirsten:

First of all, stop refuting these. No one is gonna believe you, 'coz no one bothers if it is true. Just go with the flow and enjoy the hungama. The media loves you now. You are more popular now than ever in your life.

Tell that you read about this sex mantra somewhere in Kamasutra. That's it. You have quoted from a book of ancient India, and no one will dare to question you. Kamasutra book sales will double or triple, and publishers would just love you. Now, don't worry if anyone would cross verify your claim. Once they start reading the book, they will forget about what you said. There is enough stuff in that book to keep them occupied for another 2 years.

Next, you can write a book yourself. Didn't you know that writing a book was the fastest way to become a celebrity in India! Look what happened to Jaswant Singh. No one bothered calling him for interviews before. Now, he is the busiest person on town. But, make sure you write something about stuff like culture, pre-marital sex, or morality - even if these are not linked to cricket. Be assured that one of these would explode into a nation-wide discussion, and you can ride the tide happily.

Next, you can start a Talk Show. What? Are you thinking of what to talk? That's the last thing you should worry about. Just talk something that appears to be complex. You can invent something called "Cricket Therapy" for sex problems, or "Sex Therapy" for cricket problems. Whatever. Who cares! Just keep talking. At any cost, don't allow others to talk, then they will ask questions and you will be in trouble. Invite them, but you keep talking.

Meanwhile, during this time, if India wins matches, tell that your mantra works. If they lose, tell that the players didn't follow it "effectively". In any case, you win. All the best, Mr. Kirsten.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The World of EMI

Twenty years ago, the abbreviation "EMI" (Equated/Equal Monthly Installment) never existed. Or atleast, it didn't rule the world like it does today. Bank agents never came chasing us asking for our autograph on a loan request form with microscopic disclaimer and warning statements at the bottom.

Rich people built houses, drove in cars, watched color television, had phones in their bedroom, and so on. Middle-class people rented houses, rode in bicycles, listened to All India Radio, used public phones, and rest of the time talked about rising price of onions. So, the distinction was clearly visible.

No one even dared asking banks for loans in lakhs with little or zero down payment. Asking such a thing would have been as shocking as seeing a polar bear mating a gorilla in the middle of Sahara desert. (Phew ! Can't imagine that !)

If someone had a house those days, it meant he was rich. He had enough money to afford a own house and hang pumpkins all around it.

But today, if you have a house, it means you have enrolled in this "Elite EMI Group" (hereafter referred as EEG).

If you have a house and a car - it means you've a long-lasting membership in this group.

If you have a house, a car, and a credit card balance - then you might as well get a permanent membership.

If you have a house, a car, a credit card balance and still in need of another loan - then you better start believing in re-birth & a next life because there is nothing much you can do with this life.

If you have a house, a car, a credit card balance, few personal loans, and couple of kids - then there is nothing to worry; it is your bank that has to worry about filing bankruptcy. You can live your life as if nothing happened - just go on vacations, sit by the beach, watch the sun set, and sip lemonade. You are now a celebrity - like one of those big US companies that proudly announce that they will go bankrupt if Govt doesn't bail them out - and the media goes all bananas about it - and they become a celebrity. You, my dear friend, can actually contest for EEG's chairman post.

When Bill Clinton visited Taj Mahal, he said, "The world is divided into 2 kinds of people: those who have seen Taj Mahal, and those who haven't". Well, naughty boy Clinton was trying to play Shakespeare here. Forget it. Actually, the world is divided into 2 kinds: people with EMI payments, and people without. The first category is growing at an enormous rate that very soon we might ask the 2nd category people to move to another planet.

Maybe it is not a bad idea if we, the EMI people, form a worldwide organization - like say International Borrowers Association (IBA). It should be pronounced as "I-Baah" - an acronym - 'coz acronymns usually get popular quickly. We can have our own flag - in the shape of a credit card or something. We definitely need a slogan - like "In Banks We Trust", "Save Money, Lend Better", etc.

We can announce April 1st as our IBA Day, for all the obvious reasons.

Imagine how many people would participate in our celebrations on April 1st ! The whole of earth would be full of lights and music and dance and partying - "Hoo hoo... I Baah Day". Some bank managers would get a heart-attack watching these on TV. Political leaders would send their wishes to us - "May this day bring peace, love and more importantly tolerance and forgiveness in our world". Aliens watching us from Pluto will be stunned. "What the heck is going on in that planet ! It is brightly lit up and their radio waves are jamming our whole system here. They are louder than that damn meteorite that hit us last week".

If you are reading this blog and you don't owe any EMI payments, then I've just one question for you: "Are you crazy?". Looks like, you have no passion in life at all. I forgive you if you are a retired person. But, if you are working, then you definitely need an EMI - else what is the driving force in your life ! EMI is what keeps the working class spinning today - life becomes like a Speilberg war film - you are constantly running to survive, there are shells fired everywhere, people screaming, buildings falling, smoke and dust, tanks coming behind - yet you keep running ! If you don't have an EMI - you are missing all this fun - your life resembles a opera sung by a fat lady in an empty old theatre on a sweaty Sunday afternoon and in between you hear the theatre janitor sweeping the floor - how boring could that be ! Come on, wake up and join the fun!

Disclaimer: This blog does not provide financial advice of any sort. If you decide to follow what is written here, it is just your fate. If anything written here happens to be true - it is a mere coincidence and nothing more should be read into it.